I don't believe I just did that! I'm standing here staring at my own front door, which has just slammed shut in my face, wondering what the hell just possessed me.

We were arguing, nothing new there. He was refusing to see my point as usual. I told him that I wouldn't accept his blatant disregard of my orders in the field and he told me to go stick my head up my ass or something. I can't remember now. It was silly. We were mad at each other for getting injured, angry at how close we'd come to seeing each other die out there.

It was intense.

He looked so close to crying that I wanted to hold him, rock him, tell him I was sorry for yelling. I also knew that if I did that, he would punch my goddamned nose for me. He isn't a baby, although I know I sometimes treat him like a kid. I know I'm smothering him, but God, I care about his safety. I think he knows that. He knows that I care.

I shouldn't have let the anger and relief take away my control. I should have fought it harder. But oh no - I had to push it. I had to push him. He looked so shocked when my palms hit his chest. He wasn't prepared for it and he staggered backwards. His shoulder hit the door and he gaped at me like one of his damned fish. My mouth fell open when I saw the hurt in his eyes.

"Danny I... I'm sorry!" Inadequate! I know that. But he just stared at me. I wanted to tell him why I was so fucking angry but I just couldn't say the words. So I tried to show him. I kissed him!

I still can't believe I did that. No wonder he bolted right out the door without stopping to pick up his coat. Left me staring at the door, the sound of it slamming still ringing in my ears. I kissed him!

I kissed Daniel.

And it was no gentle brushing of lips either. I grabbed his head and ate him alive until I had to let go to breath. I've never wished for gills so much in my life, but lungs were all I had and I needed to give them a break. His eyes were open so wide, I could almost see his retinas!

Oh God I kissed him! And I liked it. I liked it a lot. Shame he obviously feels a little differently. I think I'm going to be hearing about this for a long time to come, if he even deigns to speak to me again. Oh please let him speak to me again. I couldn't bare it if he freaks out and demands to be reassigned.

I'm still staring at the door when it flies open and he's standing there, chest heaving, eyes blazing. I take a step backwards and let him in.

"I can't believe you did that!" he accuses. Yeah well you and me both Danny. I wish I knew where it came from. He's my best friend and on my good days, I'm almost willing to admit that I love him like a brother, but I never wanted to kiss him before. Not consciously at any rate. What the hell goes on in my unconscious mind is the stuff of nightmares and I've gotten very good at NOT thinking about it. Maybe I should have been paying a little more attention.

He's pacing up and down the hallway, his passage causing a draught as he goes by. I want to reach out and stop him, but fuck, I'm so scared to touch him. Finally he stops wearing a hole in the floor and comes to rest in front of me. He looks really angry but he looks uncertain too. I see a question in his eyes and know he wants an explanation. Only thing is, I'm not sure I can give it to him. I'm only just beginning to come to terms with the fact that I've been lying to myself for years.

I don't love him like a brother. I don't even love him like a son. I just plain love him.

"Are you okay?" Not what he wanted to hear, but I need to know the answer. I need to know that I haven't ended our friendship in one fell swoop.

"I... honestly don't know Jack." He says slowly, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. I hate when he does that. It means he's hurting and in this case, it's because of me. "I was standing outside trying to make sense of what happened... trying to understand why you would kiss me like that."

I shrug my shoulders and sigh. Looks like I won't have to find the words. He seems to be working it all out for himself. Then he takes a hesitant step towards me and I freeze in place.

"Then I had to ask myself if it even mattered. Unless you didn't notice, I wasn't exactly beating you off with a stick. So now I need to know Jack; I need to know what it would be like. I need... a sample!"

"Okay." I reach for him and draw him close, angling my head to offer him another kiss but he pushes me away. "No Jack. I already know what it feels like to be kissed by you."

I don't understand. He wraps his arms tightly around his chest and begins to pace. This is hard for him, I can see that but he wants to get it out in the open. He's a linguist and he can't find the right words. I watch the battle quietly from the sidelines, waiting to see what will happen.

"I can't imagine touching you Jack. Not like that. Every time I try. I just...!" he trails off looking at me over the top of his glasses, silently asking me to understand. I think I do. I think I've just asked him to change his entire worldview for me. To forget everything he is and become something different. I nod my head.

"I want to know what it would be like to be touched by you." He states bravely. I can see how much it cost him just to get the words out. But he makes no move to come closer. He just stands there, a hundred miles away. Alone. He closes his eyes and lets his hands drop to his sides. He's facing me bravely and leaning back against the wall, needing the solid feel of it behind him, needing it to keep him upright.

"I promise I won't stop you Jack, just... do it!" I'm there in a heartbeat, pulling him into a fierce hug. My mouth is in his hair and I'm rocking him.

"Daniel, what the hell are you asking here? That I just grab you by the dick and see what happens?" I feel him flinch but refuse to let him go. "I can't do that Danny. When I touch you, it will be because you want me to. Not because you're trying to get it over with."

He pulls back and stares up at me with confusion. I think I see disappointment there too but I'm not even gonna let myself hope for that. I hug him tight again and then let him go. He takes a step away, then stops and fixes those beautiful blue eyes on me again.

"I'm just a little scared that it... that I won't..." he sighs and begins to turn away and I stop him with a hand on his arm. He stares down at my fingers.

"Come here" I whisper. I intend for it to come out as a growl, but the look of vulnerability he casts my may strips away the bravado. He's so open and trusting; I can't blow this. I just can't.

One step and he's nose to nose with me. I lift my hand to cup his jaw, my thumb brushing across those full lips and I feel him tremble. Oh God I want to kiss him so badly it actually hurts but I know I can't let myself do that. If I kiss him now, I'll lose what little control I still possess.

"I can show you how it will feel but I'm scared too. Scared that I won't be able to stop!"

He very deliberately places his palms on my chest and leans his head into my soft caress." I trust you." He says quietly.

I trust you.

Damn it Daniel I know you do. But I don't trust me! I'm losing the war. Somehow I know that this is a time limited offer. Tonight and tonight only.

Everything is happening in slow motion. My hand leaves his jaw and begins to slip round into his hair. It feels so soft and springy beneath my trembling fingers. My hand comes to rest on his nape, that vulnerable place that I've squeezed a hundred times before, now feels like I'm there for the first time. I stroke the delicate skin and feel him shiver. My breath catches as the spark I see in his eyes.

My other hand rests lightly on his hip, fingers gently caressing him through the fabric of his jeans. I can feel heat rising between our bodies and step a little closer, close enough to feel his heartbeat thudding against his chest. He's as tense as a bowstring beneath my fingers, his body thrumming but controlled. He isn't willing to let go yet, to let me drive. He's afraid. God, I know how he feels. I'm absolutely fucking terrified!

I let go of his hip and trail my hand up his abdomen and chest, finding the top button of his shirt. He gasps and a faint expression of panic washes across his face so I stop, my eyes asking permission. He licks his dry lips and God, I want to kiss him, but he isn't here to be kissed. That's not what he asked for. Then I watch as he takes a deep and cleansing breath, letting it out slowly through puckered lips, almost like he's whistling and my mind suddenly throws up the image of Lauren Bacall telling Humphrey Bogart "You know how to whistle, don't you Steve?"

His eyes open again and he nods, once, decisively. I offer a small smile of thanks and slowly undo the button, moving down to the next one and the next. Once I have his shirt completely unbuttoned, I slip my hand beneath the fabric, running my fingers across his chest, catching a nipple with my pinkie before I move upwards, over his shoulder, baring the skin of his neck to my avid regard.

I lean closer, still cupping his head and settle my lips over the pulse point in his neck. I open my mouth slightly, tasting him, licking the sweat with the tip of my tongue and he tastes so good. I hear a tiny moan escape him and my traitorous dick twitches at the sound. But I can't stop kissing his throat. It isn't as good as kissing his lips, but it gets the same reaction from him.

He melts against me and I have to let go of his shoulder and wrap my arm around his waist to hold him upright. I know I'm balancing on the knife-edge here. It would take very little to topple me into losing what fragile hold I have on control. He moves against me, his hands suddenly finding my hair, diving right in to hold my head in place against his throat. I can't help it; I draw back my lips and bite the flesh under my mouth. He shouts out my name and bucks against me. Oh God! I can't do this; I can't be here like this with him and not kiss him.

My head turns in his grip until I'm panting against his cheek. The hand that was cupping the back of his head drops to clutch his shoulder and I guess I must sound really close to losing it when I whisper his name because he pulls back and stares up at me. His eyes are incredible, so wide, and so open, shit I can see right inside him. He's still terrified but now there's something else there. Desire, pure and bright, it spears out from those eyes and impales me in its intensity.

JesusGod I have to pull back. If he looks at me like that again, I'm going to throw him on the fucking floor and.and.and.I don't know! But it would be bad. Very bad. He came back trusting me to help him make an informed decision. Like the academic he is, he wanted more data, more information, a little practical demonstration, and what am I doing? Christ I'm practically humping him up against the wall! The wall? Jesus when did I push him up against the goddamed wall?

I can't look into the blinding depths of blue any longer and I bury my head in his shoulder again, pulling him closer, tighter to me, flush against me. He moulds himself against me and I can feel his quiet surrender. Actually I can feel a whole lot more than just that. He's painfully erect and straining against my thigh, which has somehow managed to push between his legs. I gulp and desperately try to marshal some strength to step away.

As I slowly lift my head, he turns his face towards me and my lips brush his. That's all it takes to push me right over the edge. Suddenly I'm plastered to him, crushing him to the wall, He might not want me to kiss him but Christ I need to do it. My mouth devours him and he's gasping and writhing against me. Jesus Daniel, look what you do to me!

His tongue snakes out and my eyes fly open in shock. I've never had someone try to give me a tonsillectomy with their tongue before and it feels odd, strange even, but God it feels good too. I give him access and relax into the sensation, marvelling at how quickly I accept it as being right. His hands slip from my head, trailing down my neck and shoulders, around my waist. Now firmly planted on the small of my back, he tugs me closer just as his hips thrust forward.

God, oh God no Daniel, don't do that! Don't..

I need to breath; I need oxygen. My brain feels all tingly and fuzzy and I can't seem to form a coherent thought. He's moving against me again, rubbing himself against my thigh; grinding his crotch against me. Dear God I AM humping him up against the fucking wall!

I tear my mouth from his, gulping in huge lungfuls of air. "Danny!" I don't know what to say, what to ask for. I hope he gets it, understands that this needs to stop now. I pushed to far and now I haven't the strength to hold back. *He* needs to do it. *He* needs to tell me. Oh God, Daniel please tell me to stop!

"Jack," he moans. It didn't even sound like him. I never know his voice could be that deep, that ragged. "Jack I want you."

No! No, no, no don't say that Danny! Tell me to fucking stop!

Even as the silent plea echoes across my mind, he grabs twin handfuls of my shirt and whirls us round. I'm slamming up against the wall before I can catch my breath and 180 pounds of aroused archaeologist pins me in place. He's eating me alive, my brain short circuits and all I can feel is his weight pressing against me. I can feel every single inch of him. I can taste his hunger I can hear his need. I can smell his desire. My senses are on overload.

"I didn't know it could feel like this.I honestly didn't know!" he's panting into my mouth. Jesus that feels so good. Everything feels good right now. His hot breath on my face is turning my insides to jello and I think I'm sliding down the wall. Yup - that feels like the floor to me. I shake my head in a vain attempt to get it to co- operate.

"Need. To. Stop!" There; I managed to say something that didn't start with 'Oh God' and end in 'fuck me!' I wish I could say I feel proud of myself. Actually I just feel really guilty. This is my fault. I guess I just pushed too hard and now neither of us can stop. Damn!

"No stopping!" he growls, pushing me onto my back. I can feel the draught coming in under the door and a detached part of what remains of my brain insists that this does not bode well for my knees. A moment later, the draught is completely forgotten, paling into insignificance in contrast to the freezing cold wooden floor my kidneys have just been introduced to.

Daniel has pulled my shirt up and out of my pants but is having a great deal of difficulty with the buttons. The shock of cold against my skin allows some sanity to reinstate itself and I try to sit up. Not easy with a frustrated linguist straddling my hips, cursing in what sounds like German but could just as easily be Klingon to my uneducated ears.

Finally he gives up on any attempt at finesse and rips my shirt wide open. The buttons fly everywhere; it's like a fucking war zone. The Machine gun fire I'm hearing is probably just the sound of my blood thundering in my own ears! God! Damnit! Danny!

I sit up a little, pulling up my knees, trying to help him get my shirt off, failing. His fingers tug and pull and finally my shirt hits the wall followed closely by his own. We're staring at each other, chests heaving and I can't take my eyes off him. His bare chest is slick with sweat and without thinking, I push up, bracing against the floor, taking one of his nipples into my mouth. I slide my free hand up to the nape of his neck, still marvelling at how soft the skin there is.

He arches his back, one hand clutching at the hem of my jeans for balance, the other trailing over my leg, stopping at the hard bulge trapped beneath his buttocks. I'm still having difficulty getting my head around the fact that I'm lying half naked on my hall floor with Daniel's nipple in my mouth and a gale blowing up my ass, but the minute he starts rocking himself against me, I forget the discomfort, I ignore the strangeness, and I lose myself in the feelings.

He leans even further back, and I draw my knees up, let him lean back on them. He's moaning now, louder than before and the sound goes right to my groin. Its almost too painful, this slow friction of denim on denim but I don't want to stop it. I don't want to stop him. I need to feel this, Oh God I need him.

His head lolls from side to side and I can hear it in his hoarse cries, he's losing it, he's letting go. He's coming for me. Jesus! Daniel's coming for me!

"Jack." No more than a whisper, it echoes in my ears. "Jaaack!"

My head falls back and I let out a cry that's seems too loud, to invasive. I can't hold it back any longer. Oh Christ Danny I can't. Danny! I love you!

The draught is back. I shiver as it ghosts across my sweat soaked skin. I manage to open one eye and reassure myself that I'm not dead. And neither is my archaeologist. He's draped over me, still fighting for breath, but not dead yet. I roll him off me and get painfully to my knees. I'm really too old to be making out on a cold, wooden floor. He mirrors my action, reaching out to help me to my feet. We stare at each other, not quite sure what to say.

Then he breaks the silence.

"Do you?"

I'm confused. Do I what? Do I want to sit down - oh yeah, do I want a cigarette - strangely, yes, even after four years of abstinence, do I feel like dancing a jig up the hallway - that would be no. I just continue to stare at him dumbly, my blank face telegraphing my lack of understanding.

"Love me?" he supplies. Oh God did I say that out loud? It appears I did. And he's waiting for the answer. I look down at my soggy groin, then at his equally damp crotch. I just came in my pants and so did he. We definitely feel something for each other, and I'm sure it isn't just lust. And I did shout it out in the throes of passion. I guess it must be true.

And when I think about it really hard, I find myself accepting it with ease. I don't love him like a brother, I don't love him like a son, and I don't just plain love him.

I'm IN love with him.

He smiles and I think it must show on my face. I haven't said the words out loud and I don't need to. He knows. He knows how much I care.